Tuna Puna
Trinidad
December 26, 2006
Dear Santa, Ah know yah probly wonderin why I writin yuh on Boxsing Day, but after opening meh presents and dem yesterday, I just had to write yuh. Santa ah was a real good gyul all year round, ah lissen to meh muddah when she talk to meh, ah help out with house wuk, ah even help de neighbour chilrren and them do dey chaws too. Ah helped dat old Mr.George across d road when d oddah chilrren just watch him and leave him dey. And lissen to meh muddah when she talk to meh, ah help out with house wuk, ah even help de neighbour chilrren and them do dey chaws too. Santa ah study hard in school dis year, so hard that ah come fuss in meh class.
Santa when ah write meh Christmas List to yuh, ah axk yuh for a Barbie princess doll, ah Barbie kitchen, ah Dora the Explorer computer game and a monopoly. So Santa . . . how the fock after reading meh list you would leave under d blasted Christmas tree ah shitty focking light up yo-yo, ah mudderfocking plastic tea-set and ah focking no name dolly lookin like she have polio. Santa is like yuh focking blind or yuh cyah read!
Every year ah say ah would stop believing in yuh focking ass and like ah fool ah does always give yuh ah nex chance but yuh fock again. Yuh focking fat ass dead with me, yuh hear what ah say, yuh dead. Ah go wait for yuh muddahass next year, yuh better don't try to squeeze yuh fat bolockscious ass thru meh louvers, because Santa ah swear ah go fock yuh up, it go be me , you and a guava wood. Just imagine you give that little cokey eye, knock knee, moddaacunt Laurel from across de road, she get everything that she axk for, till she doh even have room to walk around she house.
And Santa, yuh see you and dem focking reindeer and dem, all yah better tink twice bout landing on my house next year, especially dat focking Red noseprick Rudolph, ah go stone he muddacunt, yuh go have to walk back to d focking north pole when ah done with dem. I swear nex year, ah waiting patiently for yuh fat focking ass to come Ho-Hoin' on meh galvanise roof. Ah go do fuh yuh, ah promise, watch and see...
Love,
Kerri Ann.
There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?)
She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit? He does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref. One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like 'Oo ya lookin at?' Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.' Mary's totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!'So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself. Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an' that. She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we are gonna get.' Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right'
Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go dahn Bethlehem on that. They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah? To have her bay-bee an' that. But there ain't no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep an' that.
Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their heads. They're like 'Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're wise men from the East End. Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an' myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?' It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another message from this Lord geezer. He's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin all the bay-bees. You better nash off to Egypt.' Joe goes 'You must be monged if you think I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey' Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay.'
So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an' it's safe an'that. Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water into Stella.
This is some pretty sick shit. If you likey, check out the Sad Kermit website.
Premium gift baskets from J Designs, leather belts, jewellery and hand made candles.
This Saturday at MoreVino from 12 noon.
Yet another boutique in Woodbrook! WARD3010 is on Alfredo Street, just off Ariapita Avenue. They specialize in men's and women's designer clothing, and claim to bring 'celebrity status services' to Trinidad.
Like in case you need to get an Armani Suit at 2AM.
Give them a call on 868.622.1574 or email ward3010clothing@yahoo.com.
Shimon sends:
Was in a cab last night heading to dinner.... saw this and thought of you ... one for your blog .. :)
Christmas Post #2! These ladies sell a lot of interesting action. Check them out at 27 Jerningham Avenue in Belmont, right next door to Millhouse Clothing.
Two of my boys wrote a bunch of scripts for this 10 part mini-series. Tempo took the scripts, hacked them to bits, and produced CHOICES: Roots, Reality and Culture. It's airing now, or you can watch the episodes online at choices.gottempo.com.
Enjoy.
Test your knowledge of useless Trinidad trivia in this Island Style version of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.
Link
Since it's Christmas, let me point you in the direction of a shiny, [not so] new boutique. Sautrelle is located at 1A White Street in Woodbrook, and they open Tuesday to Saturday from 11AM to 6PM. They're doing a fancy shmancy kinda personal shopping thing, so you gotta call in advance (868.622.8777).
The boutique's owned by DJ Ravin, one half of the Amateurs, so you know they got their shit together.
Zen Rooftop approved.
When next you're in Trinidad, head up to Maracas Valley, St Joseph (not the beach). When you get to the Cadbury Estate, turn off the main road and you'll eventually come to a small river with some indians bathing on the side of the bridge. Have some white rum and curried procupine, and you'll understand the inspiration behind this remix.
m.i.a. - boyz (big rich chutney extravaganza)